37 weeks, 3 days

So…I may have gotten a little tired and lazy on Thursday and didn’t post a picture. Perhaps I’m also in denial. HOW IS HE STILL IN HERE? I know I sound ridiculous, seeing as 37 is just barely full term, but I’ve had so many different episodes of painful contractions that I’ve started counting with a stopwatch, only to have them gradually spread back out again into just Braxton Hicks. Twice last night, painful contractions woke me up and I started timing them, only to wake up with Jesse’s alarm a few hours later, no labor, no baby. Agh!Β It’s maddening.

 

Today, I did some contemplating about this whole me + pregnancy thing. The truth is, I should be very grateful. As far as average pregnancies go, mine have both been relatively easy and complication free. No swelling, no stretch marks, no throwing up, no bed rest, no gestational diabetes, no anemia, no Strep B,Β no hormone swings. Without exercising or dieting (I eat icecream/McFlurries every single day), I only gain 20-30 pounds, and last time I lost it all within a week.

So, by all accounts, it would seem that I should be fine with pregnancy. We should be buds. Just some heartburn that a Tums or glass of milk here or there makes bearable, and some nausea that makes me extremely picky all of the time. I don’t necessarily have child-bearing hips, as they say, but hey, they brought Gregory into the world just fine, all the same (although they feel like someone took a baseball bat to each side!). But my chiropractor has almost completely cured my horrible sciatica, caused by my curved tailbone, so even that’s not an issue anymore! And the awful carpal tunnel hasn’t made it’s dreaded appearance again, either.

But I don’t love pregnancy. Β I really really really don’t. I hate being incapacitated, I hate having to say “no” because I’m too weak and tired, and I hate having my brain muddled by anything that’s slightly difficult or frustrating. I want to be emotionally available to help people, and I want to be physically able to help around the house, to hold Gregory for long periods of time again, to “shoot hoops” with Gregory and Jesse outside (I’ve tried shooting once or twice, without the help of any ab muscles, obviously, and G just gives me this look like, “really, mom? that’s pathetic.”).

People reminisce about pregnancy, remembering how “special” they felt, carrying a life around inside of them, but I just feel like a spectacle or a circus freak. Last week at the store, I realized that I kept receiving a certain “look” that reminded me more of a grimace. It was as if people were staring and going, “Oh, you look miserable!”. Last night, as we were all sitting on the couches, I asked Jesse to get something for me from the table. He said he’d rather not, so I said I’d get it. Immediately, he responded, “No! Then I’ll feel bad! I don’t want to watch you!” “Is it THAT grotesque? That painful???” I growled. He paused, got very silent, then whispered, “yes?” Wrong answer, dude.

I’ve always had the desire for many children, all the way back to when I was 10 years old and talked all the time of the orphanages I was going to found. I always pictured having 4-5 kids of my own, along with adopting a bunch more.

But why is it so hard to grow kids? I’m willing to give them a home, love them, make sacrifices for them. I’ll even go through labor, episiotomies and cracked tailbones…anything! Why does one have to be pregnant, on top of all that?

I know I sound ridiculous and ungrateful. Please excuse the pregnancy ranting, it probably won’t make sense to me in a few weeks either.

 

 

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11 thoughts on “37 weeks, 3 days

  1. Oh my gosh, this sounds EXACTLY like me! I’ve been thinking a lot about whether or not I feel ready for baby (meaning, pregnancy) #3 and I just can’t bear the thought of 9 months of pregnancy again! My complaints are the exact same as yours…just not feeling myself for that long sucks and it is inhibiting enough to be overwhelmingly frustrating.

    Also, your current situation is precisely what I went through with Sera. I started having horrible braxton hicks at 37 weeks and was so sure that she would just fall out of me at 38 weeks! Imagine my surprise and discouragement when she held out for another 4 weeks… I guess every baby chooses her or his own timing no matter what else is going on πŸ˜›

  2. Oh my! 4 more weeks??? Nonono!!!! Did you come early or late with Solomon?

    Then again, the bright side would be that we would have time to finalize our escrow with the house! That would be super comforting, actually πŸ™‚

    • Solomon was 10 days early…I had barely just started getting impatient. Sera on the other hand…lol. I sure hope your little one comes sooner than that! πŸ™‚

  3. *chuckle* I remember telling you I was pregnant when you were about to have G and you were all, “OMG IM SO SORRY!!!!!!!” hehe.

    • I know Chels…looking back, I should’ve been much more supportive and excited about the fact that you were about to have a baby! Instead, I was like, “wow, I wouldn’t wish that 9 months on anyone!!!”

      • PSS– It’s not that I don’t appreciate the wonderful blessing that pregnancy brings, FYI, lest I sound ungrateful. Pregnancy just puts me in a very dark and desperate place, emotionally speaking…clearly, I will NOT do well as an old person.

  4. Another potential bright-side, Courtney’s many days of on again/off again labor (like you described) led to only being in labor for about 2 hrs with J. There’s some hope in that, right? (says the person who has never been pregnant or in labor…just guessing from the stories I’ve heard)

  5. I don’t think your difficulties are any less valid than those of someone with a more “difficult” or “complicated” pregnancy. We each have a different cross to bear, and perhaps yours is a more internal, emotional one. Hang in there, you’re almost done!

    • Thanks, Christina, but I feel bad that these emotional hardships are caused by my own unwillingness to be weak or vulnerable, instead of something that has to do with the baby 😦

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