Two years ago (actually, technically it was late late on the 13th), I found out that I was going to be having our first baby! After months and months and months of trying, despairing that I would never get pregnant, I took a test after a nice dinner at Chili’s with Jesse. When it was positive, I couldn’t believe it. I really couldn’t. I felt like doubting Thomas, needing some more substantial proof before I would let myself believe that what I had hoped for so desperately was actually true.
And then, it hit me like a load of bricks. I was so overwhelmed, scared and excited, that I immediately curled up in a ball on my bed and started shaking and sobbing uncontrollably for hours. Jesse tried to speak reassuring words, saying he was excited too, there was NOTHING to be scared about, we were totally ready to be parents.
It took me a minute to set the record straight. I was NOT scared about becoming a parent. In my heart, I’d been a parent for a long time.
Instead, I was scared of God. I was scared that He would take away this thing I had always wanted. I was scared that it was all some sort of cruel joke to make me “grow” as a person. I didn’t want to go through the pain of losing a baby. That sort of growth seemed too great for me to handle.
I called my Dad while I was in this state. I said some things about God that bothered both Jesse and my Dad for weeks. Eventually, I had to repent of the way I felt at that moment, because it showed some deep-seated fear and anger towards God. Somehow, I assumed that God didn’t want me to be happy and would take away this blessing just to hurt me.
I still struggle with wondering if/when God will take Gregory away from me. It’s not something I’ve totally overcome. Perhaps it’s because I know that there’s a part of me that idolizes getting to have Gregory as a part of my life. I know how God feels about idols, and it’s not pretty.
Then again, I need to force myself to remember that I’m NOT the center of the universe (haha!). God loves Gregory just as much, if not (hopefully!) more than He loves me. Gregory is God’s child. He is not an extension of me, he is made in the image of God. God will take care of him.
Here’s a few of my favorite pictures of my little Valentine, Mr. Gregory. After 16 months, he is still the brightest part about my morning. I still miss him like crazy every night after he goes to bed. Sometimes, I find myself just staring at him in awe, because I can’t believe that he’s actually here and that God chose to bless us with him.
We love you sooo stinkin much, Mr. Gregory 🙂