Battle of the Liquids

Some people said that my last post made them want to be a mother.

Warning: This post might make you laugh. It might make you cry. But it is in no way going to promote motherhood.

The Battle of the Liquids began last night, right after I finished my 40 weeks post. I went in to see Jesse, fast asleep with Gregory on his chest.

So cute.

And Claire, laying on the bed next to them. With 4 spots of blood next to her.


Yes, you guessed it. Claire’s little doggy body chose NOW to begin her “womanlies” again. UGHHHH (seriously, why isn’t this dog spayed yet?). Two babies, both in diapers! It’s kind of funny, they both wear the newborn size! Of course, Gregory has the nice organic Huggies ones that Courtney got him. Claire’s are a $3 generic brand.

Jesse looked up, eyes full of dismay. He is so exhausted, earlier he had forgotten to pull the parking brake when we went to move his Mustang to a better parking spot. As a result, he got out and the car kept rolling. I, of course, am hypersensitive to danger right now, so I screamed.

So helpful.

Anyways, you get the point. He’s super super tired and had to get up in 6 hours for work. So I commanded him to go lay down in the guest/baby room, where Julie usually sleeps. He put up a 1/2 second protest, then handed Gregory to me and stumbled to bed.

So there I was, at 2am, still cleaning the blood stains off the sheets, doing a cold pre-soak, scrubbing with some color safe bleach. These are my favorite sheets, people, by a long shot, and I wasn’t about to let them go without a fight. I finished and put different sheets on the bed. And then, of course, Gregory needed another feeding…by 3am I finally got my first “nap” of the night. I say “nap”, because babies eat every 2-3 hours. Luckily, nursing has taken a huge turn for the better, so this activity isn’t as despair-inducing as it used to be.

Thank God, because I needed every ounce of optimism for the morning. Since Gregory is currently sleeping next to our bed in the Pack n’ Play, I keep a few diapers, wipes, and a changing pad in the attached diaper stacker. See, babies also poop and pee every 2-3 hours, sometimes more if you’re Gregory. Jesse and I realized that it was much easier to throw a new diaper on him without having to walk to his changing table in the other room.

Easier, unless Gregory decides to poop again AFTER the diaper is off. Not just poop, but PROJECTILE ORANGE poop. The orange part is all normal, that’s the stage he’s in. The projectile part? That was a Gregory Special.


Since I was sitting in front of him on the bed, the projectile poop went all over my lap, my legs, and all the blankets and burp rags in between us. I was completely shocked and couldn’t move for a moment. That’s all it took for him to also spray pee everywhere.

I started grabbing every wipe, rag, you name it within arm’s reach. And then I remembered, the mattress pad! The mattress! I jumped up, and pulled the sheets over in an attempt to keep it from soaking through to our nice rest warmer mattress pad. Yeah right. Liquid poop doesn’t wait for tired brain cells.

Gregory doesn’t like being wet or dirty. He’s a very hygienic boy. So he promptly started screaming, seeing as he doesn’t like being left in a puddle of his own poo. I wiped off my legs as best I could, ran him over the changing table in the other room, changed him, and put him in the Pack n Play. I then gathered up the whole messy bundle, pre-treated as much of the poo stains as I could, moved the PREVIOUS dirty sheets from the washer to the dryer, and dumped the whole poo bundle into the washer for a pre-soak. I stripped off my pajamas and added them to the mix.

I heard Gregory screaming his head off. “That’s odd”. I thought, because Gregory only cries when he’s hungry or has a dirty diaper.

Yup. Wet again, head to toe in pee. In his defense, I am NOT very good at getting these newborn diapers to securely wrap around his waist. He may have my face, but he definitely has Jesse’s long, thin torso, making it nearly impossible for me to cinch the diapers any tighter without cutting off his circulation. So the pee just goes right out the top, all over him!

Right then, Courtney called about Gregory’s naming prayers, which were supposed to happen tonight. I quickly explained the situation. She asked, “are you crying, or laughing?”. I realized that I was laughing– I couldn’t help it! The situation couldn’t get much more gross!

But I realized that I’m grateful. I’m grateful that my natural impulse in this situation was to laugh instead of cry. In fact, it didn’t even occur to me to cry. They say the “Baby Blues” (not to be confused with Postpartum Depression, which occurs later), happens to 70% of women in the first two weeks. Perhaps it’s too early to say whether I’ve dodged this bullet, but I’d say that laughing in the midst of the Battle of the Liquids is a promising sign.

2 thoughts on “Battle of the Liquids

  1. too funny! 🙂 Congratulations on your safe delivery and healthy baby, by the way! Those orange breastmilk poo stains do not come out, btw (sorry). James totally had the explosive poo too – one day he shot poo all over a freshly cleaned and folded pile of laundry. I was stunned.

  2. Pingback: 30 weeks + Checkup! « Remember the Alamo!

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